Fat Shaming, injuries, death, and falling off the wagon.

-Edit Note- (I took down this post, because it hurt some peoples feelings.  I have after careful thought placed it back up.  I have done so because this blog isn't about other people.  It's about me.  It's about my perspective, and my journey.)


As one can easily see, the last time I posted was March 10th.  Things were going well, and then I broke a bone in my foot.  Which, because of my massive size they couldn't find easily so I spent a few weeks walking around ace bandaged and eating NSAID's like pez.  Not a good combo. So I fell off the bandwagon for that reason.

Then come May, starting to feel good, starting to try and ramp things up again.  Had to put my dog down.  She had a growth on her pancreas that ruptured, and she was bleeding out internally.  Broke my heart, threw me into a pretty substantial depression, which I'm still trying to climb out of.  Guess who hasn't gone to the gym.

It's now July, and I've been getting a lot of fat shaming, and shit from my wife of all people.  See we bought a new bed, got a memory foam one, because we needed a new one, and she had a preference for memory foam.  The foundation on my side broke, so while waiting for a new one to be delivered I slept on the broken side, and she slid into me.  As a result she feels this need to sleep in the middle of the bed so I in turn sleep on the very edge, which means she chases me off the bed.  Her reasoning now is that I am so fat, I'm creating a divot in the bed that she once again slides into. So fine,I can accept that I've gotten so out of hand I can't sleep on a normal bed.

She yells at me for not sticking to the diet, when she knows I have very little self control.  Does she push forward the healthier choices? No.  We eat the takeout, then a few hours later she yells at me about it.

She yells at me, because she isn't going to the gym.  I'm not holding a gun to her head. I'm not holding her responsible for my own not going.  Why is she trying to hold it against me?

I'm being told, fairly often, that I'm fat and lazy.  That I'm the reason for other peoples failures.  I have no sex drive, no drive to do anything. Masturbation has no appeal to me anymore. I don't eat, because food has lost its joy for me. I don't drink much anymore, because whats the point. I'm miserable, and can't seem to shake this feeling of worthlessness I have.

Then there are my friends, who have joined in. One of them posted the following picture on my Facebook, calling it my twin.

All I can think is this.  "Is this what you people see? Is this what you think of me?" At first I was outraged, full of piss and vinegar. How dare these people who are supposed to love and support me do this.  How humiliated I am right now. I'll show them,  If nothing else, they'll love me again. I'll change.  I'll redouble my efforts. I'll do this, I'll change, I'll...

Whats the point? Is my own self worth so low, that rather than love me for who I am. I'm willing to change for someone else? What happened to that confidence I once had.  What happened to me? When did my spirit break, that I became so willing to change, just to make someone else happy?

Is that why I'm this depressed? Is that why I can't bear the thought of another tomorrow, because it feels like I'm just going through the motions? Is that the reason why I eat; only because I'm told to. Is that the reason why I drink; only because I'm told to. Is that the reason why I only do anything at all; because I'm told to.

I started this path, not because I was so vain that I cared about my appearance.  I did it because I didn't want to die.  Because I recognized the path I was on, was just going to lead me down a dead end.  

I can't say I care about that possibility anymore.

Foot problems

It has been a few days since my last post, and I assure you I have been hard at work with the weight loss.

So, I broke my foot.  Well a small bone in it.  I expect to hear more about it.  The bad news on this is that my work outs are effected.  To say it is difficult to do cardio is an understatement, especially when I can barely walk on it.  However between a good snug ace bandage to immobilize it, and eating NSAID's by the handful I am getting by.

The good news though.  I started this trip at 511. As of yesterday I am 495.  Woo me!  

My Work Out Part 2

As promised, when I got Strength 2, I would post it for everyone to see.  Tomorrow is Strength 2 day, so here it is.



Warm-up

Treadmill 5m

Core/Balance/Plyometric

 Plank
  3 sets, 30s Rep

 Single Leg Balance
  3 Sets, 30s ea
   Coaching Tip: Stand on a folded mat or unstable surface

 Cable Crunch
  3 Sets, 10 Reps


Resistance

 DB Deadlift
  3 Sets, 10 Reps, Rest 30s

 Standing Cable Chest Press
  3 Sets, 10 Reps, Rest 30s

 1 Arm DB Raise
  3 Sets, 10 Reps, Rest 30s

 Squat
  3 Sets, 6 Reps, Rest 30s

 Front DB Raise
  3 Sets, 10 Reps, Rest 30s

 1 Leg Bicep Curl
  3 Sets, 6ea Reps, Rest 30s
   Coaching Tip: 6 on one leg, switch, total of 12

 Reverse Grip Tricep Pressdown
  Sets 3, Reps 10, Rest 30s

Cool-Down

 Treadmill 5m


More to come!

Disgusted

I am absolutely disgusted with myself right now. Last night was strength night, and I kicked my own ass through it.

However, the part that disgusted me. I used to body build. Would go and just build mass, definition, strength. I wanted to not just look like I could tear your arms off, I wanted that power.

When I stopped I was squatting 600 lbs. I was benching 380. I was, I was I was... I was laid low tonight. The most I could chest press? 60 lbs. Squat? 80 lbs. Oh how the mighty have fallen. I am disgusted with myself.

Like I told the punk lid giving me shit tonight, I'm here for a huge reason. I refuse to die like this. I will live.

Post first work out review

Today was my first workout, and let me tell you; I am exhausted.

Now you might be surprised, even scoffing at the idea that I could be exhausted.  "Twenty minutes of cardio, and he's tired? BAH!" Perhaps I will be in a situation that I can look back and mock this first step. Maybe I will recognize the importance my exhaustion represents. That this exhaustion is my reward for living.

I am a member of Planet Fitness, and went there for the first time. I had built a considerable amount of hype around my attendance. Truth was, I was terrified. Terrified of being shamed for my attempt. Terrified of what others may have been thinking. Terrified of failure. Most of all terrified of success.

When I arrived there, I was given a quick tout, and then found myself in a crowded locker room. Quickly I found a locker and wordlessly got dressed as quickly as possible. Looking around upon exiting I spotted an open treadmill, and not caring who was next to me climbed on.

First bit of humiliation started right there. I went to put my weight into the machine, and it maxed out at 400 lbs. You may notice the name of the blog, and this number do not match.  I am 100 lbs heavier than the maximum allowed weight on the treadmill. I am too fat to be considered for exercise apparently. Bullshit!

Getting the machine calibrated to my needs, I started to walk.  Let me tell you, when the quote "cardio heart rate" is between 140 and 160 beats per minute. The pace doesn't go up quickly for you to hit that magic mark when you weight 500 lbs. Trudging along at 2.6 mph quickly put me at a heart rate of 150 bpm, and me taking deep measured breathes. When you have not done anything, in a lifetime to be healthy, 20 minutes with your heart beating that fast, is an eternity.

Something snapped for me right then though. Something changed. I stopped caring what the people there around me might think. I was doing it. I was taking those vastly important steps. I had put my chunky ass up there, got a good pace going, and kept at it.

I held my head high when those first twenty minutes had ended. I didn't try to hide when I got dressed to leave. I got dressed, and walked with my Planet Fitness T-shirt on like a badge of honor. I will be back.  I have to be back.

I am exhausted, but I am alive. There is pride to be had in that fact.

My Work Out.

So I hired my friend Ricky to train me. The guy focuses a lot on strength training, and to be honest that is where I find myself most comfortable. He also realizes the curve I am on, and that I need to build up to pounding potentially hours out at the gym.

This is my phase 1 Strength work out.


Warm-up
 Treadmill 5 mins.

Core/Balance/ Plyometric

Med Ball Rotation Standing  
 3 sets, 12 rep,s 30s Rest
  Coaching Tip 10 lbs med ball

Single leg balance
 3 sets, 30s Reps, Rest 30s.
   Coaching Tip Balance on 1 leg

Step up
 2 sets, 6 each
  Coaching Tip: Start with small step.



Resistance

Curl to press
 3 sets, 12 reps, Rest 30s

Squat to sit on bench
 3 sets, 12 reps, Rest 30s
  Coaching Tip: Sit on bench and stand

Seated row
 3 sets, 12 reps, Rest 30s

Lateral raise
 3 sets, 12 reps, Rest 30s

Chest press
 3 Sets, 12 Reps, Rest 30s
  Coaching Tip: Either on bench w/DB, or machine

Tricep pressdown
 3 sets, 12 reps, Rest 30s
  Coaching Tip: Hold at bottom for 1s and squeeze.


 Cool-Down

Treadmill 5 min
Stretch 5 min


This is my current schedule of workouts.

Feb 24 Cardio 20 min
Feb 25 Strength #1
Feb 26 Cardio 20 min
Feb 27 Strength #1
Feb 28 Rest

March 1 Rest
March 2 Strength #1
March 3 Cardio 20 min
March 4 Strength #2
March 5 Cardio 20 min
March 6 Strength #1
March 7 Rest

March 8 Rest
March 9 Strength #2
March 10 Cardio 20 min
March 11 Strength #1
March 12 Cardio 20 min
March 13 Strength #2
March 14 Rest

March 15 Rest
March 16 Strength #3
March 17 Cardio 25 min
March 18 Strength #2
March 19 Cardio 25 min
March 20 Strength #1
March 21 Rest

March 22 Rest
March 23 Strength #2
March 24 Cardio 25 min
March 25 Strength #1
March 26  Cardio 25 min
March 27 Strength #3
March 28 Rest

March 29 Rest
March 30 Strength #4
March 31 Cardio 30 min

Notes: Keep up the Paleo, make sure to eat protein and some fruit right after your workout. Aim for 300g of protein per day.


It has not been revealed to me yet what Strength #2, #3, or #4 are.  I will let all of you know, as soon as I know.

Steps

It seems the first logical step was to join a gym. I mean, where else would one perform the necessary tasks required? So after a very brief search, I settled on Planet Fitness. I won't lie, I am surprisingly self-conscious and vain. So the thought of a quote "judgement free zone" was like music to my mind.

Oh, whats that? You call shenanigans on my claim of being vain?  It may be hard to fathom, but the sin of vanity does not follow just the quote beautiful people. I'm aware of the physical charms I do possess despite my rotund appearance. Aware, and open about flaunting them.  Enough about that though, onto the rest of this post.

The second logical step was realizing I needed direction. You see, I currently have all of the focus of a coked out sorority sister. Let that one sink in.  Yeah, I am that bad. So I reached out to my friend Ricky.

Ricky lost his way, got into crazy bad shape, and then turned that around. The man teaches, lives, no embodies fitness. It is his life. He took my friend Santino, and motivated him from a beast of sedentary life, to a gym rat. That is the kind of motivation I need. Ricky has a blog as well, that while it hasn't been updated in a while, did have some fantastic information  prior to some revamps. I hope he keeps up with it again.

Long story short, I reached out to Ricky to give me exactly what I need. To give me direction,and motivation. He has agreed to take me under his wing, and I await his directions.

Now, the last thing is diet. The wife and I have been following... fairly closely the Paleo Diet.  The concept is sound, and has for the most part been easy to follow.  More to come later.

For now though, I leave you, and will tell you more later.

In the begining

My name is Tom. I am 32 years old, I stand 6'5", I weigh 500 lbs, and I am going to die. I am going to die much sooner unless I do something, anything to change the fact that I weigh 500 lbs.  This blog is my inane, and insane ramblings about the journey I am undertaking. Will I fail? Probably. Will I still try? Absolutely. While I do want to die, I don't want to die like this. I want to die as the result of something else. 

Do not misunderstand my words. I do not have a death wish. If that was the case, I would do nothing differently. There would be no blog, no diet, no exercise regime. There would just be me, fat and happy.

This Blog is going to chronicle my journey. From my current weight of 500 lbs, to Fit. Whatever that may be. I will piss, moan, whine, complain, and procrastinate. My sarcasm, and rapier sharp wit will in turn provide comedic gold for those of you reading this.