Fat Shaming, injuries, death, and falling off the wagon.

-Edit Note- (I took down this post, because it hurt some peoples feelings.  I have after careful thought placed it back up.  I have done so because this blog isn't about other people.  It's about me.  It's about my perspective, and my journey.)


As one can easily see, the last time I posted was March 10th.  Things were going well, and then I broke a bone in my foot.  Which, because of my massive size they couldn't find easily so I spent a few weeks walking around ace bandaged and eating NSAID's like pez.  Not a good combo. So I fell off the bandwagon for that reason.

Then come May, starting to feel good, starting to try and ramp things up again.  Had to put my dog down.  She had a growth on her pancreas that ruptured, and she was bleeding out internally.  Broke my heart, threw me into a pretty substantial depression, which I'm still trying to climb out of.  Guess who hasn't gone to the gym.

It's now July, and I've been getting a lot of fat shaming, and shit from my wife of all people.  See we bought a new bed, got a memory foam one, because we needed a new one, and she had a preference for memory foam.  The foundation on my side broke, so while waiting for a new one to be delivered I slept on the broken side, and she slid into me.  As a result she feels this need to sleep in the middle of the bed so I in turn sleep on the very edge, which means she chases me off the bed.  Her reasoning now is that I am so fat, I'm creating a divot in the bed that she once again slides into. So fine,I can accept that I've gotten so out of hand I can't sleep on a normal bed.

She yells at me for not sticking to the diet, when she knows I have very little self control.  Does she push forward the healthier choices? No.  We eat the takeout, then a few hours later she yells at me about it.

She yells at me, because she isn't going to the gym.  I'm not holding a gun to her head. I'm not holding her responsible for my own not going.  Why is she trying to hold it against me?

I'm being told, fairly often, that I'm fat and lazy.  That I'm the reason for other peoples failures.  I have no sex drive, no drive to do anything. Masturbation has no appeal to me anymore. I don't eat, because food has lost its joy for me. I don't drink much anymore, because whats the point. I'm miserable, and can't seem to shake this feeling of worthlessness I have.

Then there are my friends, who have joined in. One of them posted the following picture on my Facebook, calling it my twin.

All I can think is this.  "Is this what you people see? Is this what you think of me?" At first I was outraged, full of piss and vinegar. How dare these people who are supposed to love and support me do this.  How humiliated I am right now. I'll show them,  If nothing else, they'll love me again. I'll change.  I'll redouble my efforts. I'll do this, I'll change, I'll...

Whats the point? Is my own self worth so low, that rather than love me for who I am. I'm willing to change for someone else? What happened to that confidence I once had.  What happened to me? When did my spirit break, that I became so willing to change, just to make someone else happy?

Is that why I'm this depressed? Is that why I can't bear the thought of another tomorrow, because it feels like I'm just going through the motions? Is that the reason why I eat; only because I'm told to. Is that the reason why I drink; only because I'm told to. Is that the reason why I only do anything at all; because I'm told to.

I started this path, not because I was so vain that I cared about my appearance.  I did it because I didn't want to die.  Because I recognized the path I was on, was just going to lead me down a dead end.  

I can't say I care about that possibility anymore.